Dating during law school; it’s a much debated topic. Ask 10 people their opinion on it and you’ll get 10 different responses. They’ll usually fall into two categories: “Don’t do it,” and “No, seriously, don’t do it.”
“There is time for dating and relationships in law school, but both parties need to set and manage expectations, especially as it relates to the amount of time spent together,” said Alexandra Sumner, a graduate of Indiana University Robert H. McKinney School of Law, who is now a practicing attorney and a columnist for The National Jurist.
If you’re one of those people who subscribes to notions of romance, true love or somebody to watch a TV show with and then complain about how bad the writing is, you’re probably behind on your reading for your next torts class.
But is there merit to the idea of dating in law school? Here are the main pros and cons.
Pro: Somebody to support you
Support you emotionally? Or financially? That’s up to you. Both would be ideal, but let’s just stick with emotionally for now. Law school can be hard, so having somebody to be your champion can be indispensable.
If you’re familiar with the website Reddit, you know it can be a cesspool of negativity. But there are a surprising number of commenters who say romantic relationships in law school are not only viable but almost necessary for mental well-being.
“I went into law school with a hands-off mentality,” said one Reddit commenter. “Met my wife on literally the first day. You will find that other law students are among the only people that will actually understand your time constraints.”
Said another: “Don’t close off the opportunity to date someone you’re actually interested in just because they go to law school with you. Being with someone who understands your life has its perks.”
When you’ve had a hard day with a particular professor who seems to hate you, it’s nice to have someone who will listen to your problems. If that someone is a fellow student, it’ll even serve as a way to bond through mutual suffering.
On second thought, when they ask how class was, maybe just tell them, “It was fine.”
Con: You’re going to ignore them
Law school classes require a lot of reading. And then there are extracurricular activities and other things that soak up time. So a new relationship that requires a lot of time may not work.
Hannah, a recent law school graduate (full name omitted to protect the innocent), met someone right before her first year of law school, and that was a huge mistake.
“I was so distracted with my new boo that I tanked my first year of law school,” she said. “He acted like he supported my career and the academic endeavor I was on. However, he demanded all of my free time and was incredibly emotionally draining and unsupportive.”
Pro: Stress relief
Sometimes the only thing you need is somebody to cuddle up on the couch with while watching some garbage TV (“Love is Blind”; “The Real Housewives of Gary, Indiana”; or the last couple of seasons of “Game of Thrones”). If you’re really feeling crazy, you could even watch a good show!
“I would highly recommend casual dating … to let off steam and enjoy oneself,” Hannah said. “However, I would not recommend starting a new relationship when you’re just starting out in law school.”
Another Reddit commenter said: “While in law school, I made a conscious effort to date girls outside the law school community. I enjoyed law school, and I found the material interesting, but at the end of the day I wanted to talk about something — anything — other than law.”
Con: They’ll be a drain on your resources
Everyone needs a certain amount of emotional upkeep, but some people demand more than others.
“Think of it this way,” Sumner said. “If you’re dating someone who is treating you poorly now, how will your relationship suffer after that person becomes an attorney? How can you foresee a future with someone who doesn’t consider you a priority and whose life is only going to advance in responsibility and stress levels? If he doesn’t have time for you now, when will he?”
Here’s the thing: The person she’s talking about could just as easily be you. Take a look at your priorities and make sure you have enough emotional overhead to withstand constant stress and anxiety. Or maybe just get a prescription for Xanax.
Pro: It’s good practice for life after law school
How are you going to know how you’ll handle the life of a lawyer if you don’t try it before you buy it? Sure, law school is a condensed, high-stress experience that doesn’t exactly reflect the real world, but it’s that microcosm effect that will help you the most.
If you can’t manage your time effectively enough to spend time with your partner now, how do you expect to do it when you’re trying to make a name for yourself at a new law firm?
Take this time to get some habits in place that will serve you for the rest of your life. You already had to change the way you did schoolwork once you got into law school; make the same effort to adjust your personal life.
“Fast forward to the beginning of my third year,” Hannah said. “I had since broken up with that guy and started dating casually and for fun. I made the dean’s list twice and eventually ended up in a healthy relationship with the man who became my husband.
“With any new romantic partner, they’ll have to understand [the importance of] your studies. If they don’t understand that, then in no way will it be a successful relationship.”
This story originally ran in the Winter issue of The National Jurist magazine.
